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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Stranger
Ten
Havens
Haven
Told
Since
Talk
Strangers
Father
Spoken
More quotes by Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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