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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Never
Stranger
Ten
Havens
Haven
Told
Since
Talk
Strangers
Father
Spoken
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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