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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Talk
Strangers
Father
Spoken
Never
Stranger
Ten
Havens
Haven
Told
Since
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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