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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dog
Walking
Afraid
Building
Ledge
Around
Ledges
People
Width
Heights
Height
More quotes by Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
