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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Afraid
Building
Ledge
Around
Ledges
People
Width
Heights
Height
Dog
Walking
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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