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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dog
Walking
Afraid
Building
Ledge
Around
Ledges
People
Width
Heights
Height
More quotes by Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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What do batteries run on?
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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