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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cat
Design
Ceramic
Building
Ceramics
Guy
Synthetic
People
Designs
Cats
Insanity
Insane

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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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