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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Guy
Synthetic
People
Designs
Cats
Insanity
Insane
Cat
Design
Ceramic
Building
Ceramics

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright