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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Insanity
Insane
Cat
Design
Ceramic
Building
Ceramics
Guy
Synthetic
People
Designs
Cats

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright