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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Design
Ceramic
Building
Ceramics
Guy
Synthetic
People
Designs
Cats
Insanity
Insane
Cat

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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