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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Insanity
Insane
Cat
Design
Ceramic
Building
Ceramics
Guy
Synthetic
People
Designs
Cats

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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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