Quote

I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Rest
Pretty
Bigs
Area
Must
Sign
Really
Miles
People
Areas
Tired
Saws

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
Image
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
Image
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Image
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Steven Wright
Image
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
Image
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
Image
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
Image
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
Image
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
Image
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
Image
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
Image
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
Image
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
Image
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
Image
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
Image
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
Image
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright