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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
More quotes by Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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