Quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Around
Circles
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I took a baby shower.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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