Quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles
Littles
Cat

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright