Quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures

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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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