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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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