Quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles

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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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