Quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles

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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I took a baby shower.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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