Quote

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Eyes
Cats
Eye
Ran
Around
Circles
Littles
Cat
Little
Pictures
Contact
Dog
Took
Lenses

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What a nice night for an evening.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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