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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Scares
Paranoid
Scare
Depression
Illness
Head
Nice
Lives
Schizophrenic

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright