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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Scare
Depression
Illness
Head
Nice
Lives
Schizophrenic
Scares
Paranoid

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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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