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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Nice
Schizophrenic
Lives
Scares
Paranoid
Scare
Depression
Illness
Head

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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