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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Depression
Illness
Head
Nice
Lives
Schizophrenic
Scares
Paranoid
Scare

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright