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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Leadership
Positive
Coming
Wrong
Bumper
Success
Lane
Everything
Lanes
Way
Redneck
Life
Motivation

More quotes by Steven Wright

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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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What do batteries run on?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright