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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Life
Motivation
Leadership
Positive
Coming
Wrong
Bumper
Success
Lane
Everything
Lanes
Way
Redneck

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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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