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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Leadership
Positive
Coming
Wrong
Bumper
Success
Lane
Everything
Lanes
Way
Redneck
Life
Motivation

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Steven Wright