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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Pant
Heart
Sassy
Sleeve
Liver
Sleeves
Legs
Wear
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright