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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Heart
Sassy
Sleeve
Liver
Sleeves
Legs
Wear
Humor
Funny
Pant

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright