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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Legs
Wear
Humor
Funny
Pant
Heart
Sassy
Sleeve
Liver
Sleeves

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I took a baby shower.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright