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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Legs
Wear
Humor
Funny
Pant
Heart
Sassy
Sleeve
Liver
Sleeves

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright