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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Pant
Heart
Sassy
Sleeve
Liver
Sleeves
Legs
Wear

More quotes by Steven Wright

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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright