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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Funny
Pant
Heart
Sassy
Sleeve
Liver
Sleeves
Legs
Wear

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright