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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fractions
Math
Teaching
Trouble
Four
Five
People

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright