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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fractions
Math
Teaching
Trouble
Four
Five
People

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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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