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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Seen
Energy
Home
Never
Electricity
Pay
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright