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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Seen
Energy
Home
Never
Electricity
Pay

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright