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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Electricity
Pay
Seen
Energy
Home
Never

More quotes by Steven Wright

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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright