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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Energy
Running
Home
Batteries
More quotes by Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright