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What do batteries run on?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Batteries
Energy
Running
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More quotes by Steven Wright

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright