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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Turned
Home
Supposed
Today
Air
Way
Cold
Weatherman
Understanding
Conditioner
Understand
Oops
Weathermen
Energy
Degrees
Around
More quotes by Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
