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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Way
Air
Cold
Weatherman
Understanding
Conditioner
Understand
Oops
Energy
Weathermen
Around
Degrees
Home
Turned
Today
Supposed
More quotes by Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright