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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Way
Air
Cold
Weatherman
Understanding
Conditioner
Understand
Oops
Energy
Weathermen
Around
Degrees
Home
Turned
Today
Supposed
More quotes by Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
