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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Humorous
Worm
Time
Jokes
Cheesy
Bird
Mouse
Early
Contradictory
Gets
Worms
Second
Mice
Humor
Cheese
Food
Witty

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
Steven Wright
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Steven Wright
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright