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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Early
Contradictory
Gets
Worms
Second
Mice
Humor
Cheese
Food
Witty
Funny
Humorous
Worm
Time
Jokes
Cheesy
Bird
Mouse
More quotes by Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
