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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Humorous
Worm
Time
Jokes
Cheesy
Bird
Mouse
Early
Contradictory
Gets
Worms
Second
Mice
Humor
Cheese
Food
Witty
More quotes by Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
