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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Else
Remember
Always
Like
Unique
More quotes by Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
Steven Wright