Quote

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Time
Afternoon
Dental
Humor
Lobby
Rest
Appointments
Waiting
Package
Funny
Packages
Whole
Cookies
Sometimes
Visit
Oreo
Every
Cute
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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