Quote

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Whole
Cookies
Sometimes
Visit
Oreo
Every
Cute
Cancel
Time
Afternoon
Dental
Humor
Lobby
Rest
Appointments
Waiting
Package
Funny
Packages

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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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