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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Anxious
Two
Keeps
Thought
Six
Years
Anxiety
Really
Turned
Time
Humor
Year
Doubled
Age
Ninety
More quotes by Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
