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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Year
Doubled
Age
Ninety
Funny
Anxious
Two
Keeps
Thought
Six
Years
Anxiety
Really
Turned
Time
Humor

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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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