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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thought
Six
Years
Anxiety
Really
Turned
Time
Humor
Year
Doubled
Age
Ninety
Funny
Anxious
Two
Keeps
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I washed mud off of mud.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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