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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Today
Poisoning
Culinary
Cooking
Humor
Food
Use

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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