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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Poisoning
Culinary
Cooking
Humor
Food
Use
Today

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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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