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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Culinary
Cooking
Humor
Food
Use
Today
Poisoning

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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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