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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cooking
Humor
Food
Use
Today
Poisoning
Culinary

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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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