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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Cooking
Humor
Food
Use
Today
Poisoning
Culinary
More quotes by Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
