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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Food
Use
Today
Poisoning
Culinary
Cooking
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright