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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Food
Use
Today
Poisoning
Culinary
Cooking

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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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