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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Road
Wasn
Hours
Going
Officer
Officers
Faster
Hour
More quotes by Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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