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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Wasn
Hours
Going
Officer
Officers
Faster
Hour
Road
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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