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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hour
Road
Wasn
Hours
Going
Officer
Officers
Faster
More quotes by Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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