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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Officers
Faster
Hour
Road
Wasn
Hours
Going
Officer
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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