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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Officer
Officers
Faster
Hour
Road
Wasn
Hours
Going
More quotes by Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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