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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hour
Road
Wasn
Hours
Going
Officer
Officers
Faster
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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