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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Officers
Faster
Hour
Road
Wasn
Hours
Going
Officer
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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