Quote

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Great
Drive
Like
Leaving
Downtown
People
Car
Parking
Humor
Spot
Asks
Boredom
Funny
Spots
Many
Count
Real
Bored

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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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