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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Replaced
Morning
Stuff
Duplicates
Duplicate
Woke
Stolen
Exact
More quotes by Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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