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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Morning
Stuff
Duplicates
Duplicate
Woke
Stolen
Exact
Replaced

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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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