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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stolen
Exact
Replaced
Morning
Stuff
Duplicates
Duplicate
Woke

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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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