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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Replaced
Morning
Stuff
Duplicates
Duplicate
Woke
Stolen
Exact
More quotes by Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright