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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Stolen
Exact
Replaced
Morning
Stuff
Duplicates
Duplicate
Woke

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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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